Physical Abuse - Spousal

Physical abuse of a spouse has no boundaries. It occurs in every aspect of society and in all cultures. It has no age limit, gender or color and no ethnic or religious affiliation. It occurs on a daily basis, yet, it is one of the most under-reported crimes, primarily, due to the victim's feelings of shame, humiliation or fear of ridicule. Statistical data on spousal abuse is available across income levels. It is based on social strata and is dependent on how the victim seeks help. Low income abuse is usually tracked through the use of shelters, court orders, and social services. White collar or higher income spousal abuse is not so easily tracked, because the victim usually has the means to remove themselves from an abusive relationship without the help of shelters or social services. The abuse on this level is more often cited in cases of divorce. Statistical data is also available on battered husbands, but such instances are the least reported. The overall analysis of data on domestic violence shows that wives suffer far more abuse than husbands.

Although spousal abuse can occur in many forms. the most recognized categories of abuse are verbal and physical. Unfortunately when one form of abuse occurs within a relationship, it can and often does lead, progressively, to other forms of abuse. Abuse, in any form, is a pattern of behavior that inflicts pain, suffering and mental anguish on another and, usually, has its roots in childhood, either through the experience of being abused or witnessing the abuse and behavior of a close family member. Whatever the cause may be, it is a learned behavior based on insecurities and inadequacies within an individual. It is perpetuated through the use of fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation. with the sole purpose of wearing down the dignity and self esteem of the victim, in order to mold and manipulate the victim to the abuser's will. The abused victim or spouse may show fear or become totally subjugated in the presence of the abuser. In many cases of abuse, the longer the abused spouse remains in the relationship, the chances of leaving the relationship become less likely, as time passes.

Physical abuse, in most instances, takes place in the privacy of the home, or when the victim is isolated from family members or friends. Family and friends may be unaware as to what is happening within the marriage due to the abuser's ability to portray him or herself as one who is extremely likable and incapable of performing such acts. The most recognized profile of an abuser is of one who is an alcoholic or a drug user, but there are many who do not fit this profile. Abusers never take responsibility for their actions and are skilled manipulators of both the truth and their victims. They rely on total subjugation of the abused spouse to prevent exposure and justification for their behavior is always cited as being the victim's fault.

Physical abuse usually begins with a slap, a push or shove, or any type of physical contact intended to cause restraint, pain or bodily harm to the spouse. As the abuser becomes, increasingly, comfortable in his or her ability to gain submissive behavior from a spouse by inflicting pain, the physical violence can and often does escalate to severe violent behavior - resulting in injuries, that often require medical attention.

Injuries acquired through physical violence in marriage, quite often, go unreported, due to the reluctance of most spouses to visit the same doctor each time domestic violence occurs. Whether this is done through manipulative tactics used by the abuser or the abused spouse's humiliation, the reluctance to report acts of abuse, only serve to strengthen the abuser's power of control.

In many instances, no matter how traumatized the spouse becomes, many victims remain in the relationship for various reasons. Some of the more common reasons are:

1 the belief that things will get better
2. afraid to leave because of threats
3. fear of not being able to take care of oneself
4. fear of being alone
5 there is no way out or
6. they are still in love with the abusive spouse

Yet, there are many abused spouses, who have garnered the courage to leave the relationship - successfully. Some are often lured back into the relationship by the abuser's promise that it will never happen again - only to find that the abuse intensifies upon their return. Amongst those who refuse to return to such a relationship, some are stalked, threatened or harassed.

For those, who still remain in a physically abusive relationship. There is nothing stated, implicitly or explicitly, under the laws of man or God that binds you to a marriage that poses a threat to your physical and mental well-being. The reluctance to seek help is neither a safe or practical option. There is help available that will allow you to leave an abusive relationship - safely.

Each state offers victims of domestic violence help in the form of court ordered protection - usually in the form of a restraining order. However, even though a protective order carries strong consequences for its violation, it still has to be enforced, preferably, before the victim encounters physical harm. While many victims have been helped with a court ordered protection, some have slipped through the cracks of justice and have found themselves face to face with their abuser, without the necessary help provided by the court order, to keep them safe.

Therapy may be an option to be considered. The biggest concern with therapy is that it relies on the abuser to see the error of his/her ways when it is already evident that he/she is aware that the behavior toward the spouse is unacceptable. Although there are many therapists that claim therapy will help a physically abusive spouse, not one can guarantee that the abuse will not return to the relationship, while in therapy or after therapy. Changing learned behavior requires the abusive spouse to keep an ever vigilant watch on their attitude, anger and actions toward the abused spouse, which can prove to be a daunting task.

There are also a number of organizations that have sprung up within the last 20-30 years, whose primary objective is to help victims of spousal abuse. Such organizations may prove to be the better option for many. These organizations specialize in the safety of an abused spouse and should be used as an alternative or an additional source to the law and therapy to keep you safe. For women, one such organization is the House of Ruth, whose mission is to help battered women and children to rebuild their lives safely and free of fear. The House of Ruth is located in various states within the U.S. with localized help available on the Internet and local telephone books. Another such organization is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) which is available to everyone, regardless of gender, who needs help from domestic abuse at(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224. Their Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Your telephone calls remain anonymous.

The avenue of assistance chosen, should always provide the victimized spouse with the safest option to end the cycle of abuse. The choice to remain or stay in an abusive marriage is always left to the discretion of the victim and the only question that should be posed to anyone suffering in such a relationship is: whether the loss of free will, human dignity and self esteem is worth the price of physical and mental suffering?

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