If you taught your child all the rules of 'stranger danger' you have protected him/her from a 1% chance of being sexually abused. This leaves your child vulnerable to the most likely sexual child abuse offender, family members or other trusted adults. 80% of children are sexually abused by a family member, 19% are abused by someone the child knows and trusts. The other little known statistic is the frequency of sexual child abuse. David Finkelhor and Dianna Russell's research reveals 62% of girls and 31% of boys will be sexually abused by age 18. Unfortunately this statistic is considered low due to the difficulty in gathering data through surveys or reporting agencies.
For many decades we have screamed, ranted, condemned, demanded and enacted legislation to punish sex offenders to little avail. The news media and magazines have joined in the campaign to illuminate the problem after the damage is done. As a result of the media's incessant coverage and hype of 'strangers,' we have come to believe if we teach our children about 'stranger danger,' we have thoroughly protected our children from this horrific crime.
The first response we form when hearing of sexual abuse or incest is denial. 'I don't have to be concerned about that in my community. That would never happen in my family.' The unbelievable reality is that a person who sexually abuses children may seem very average and ordinary to the world. Furthermore, we find sexual abuse and incest even more difficult to believe or accept when the person we like, admire, love, and/or marry is the perpetrator of the abuse. Tragically, the unwillingness to accept the facts concerning sexual abuse perpetrators leaves children vulnerable to becoming victims and increases the likelihood that they will be abused.
To understand how sexual child abuse is perpetrated by the person we least suspect one needs to have a comprehensive definition of sexual child abuse. See complete definition of Sexual Child Abuse at Genesis Consultants, Inc.
There are two types of sexual abuse approaches-overt and covert.
Overt sexual abuse is openly sexual and apparent. Although there may be an attempt to deny that it is abusive, there is no attempt to hide the fact that it is sexual in nature.
Covert sexual abuse is more insidious. Thus, identifying it is harder, because the sexual nature of the action is disguised. The perpetrator acts as if she/he is doing something non-sexual, when in fact he or she is being sexual. The betrayal then becomes two-fold. The child is not only abused, but also tricked or deceived about the act. In this dishonesty, the child is unable to identify or clarify his/her perception of the experience. The unreal or surreal sense that accompanies any sexual abuse is intensified when the child is tricked into disbelief. Thus, the child doubts his/her perceptions and feelings and believes that there is something wrong with him/herself because he/she feels terrible. To make matters worse, everyone around her/him discounts signs of the abuse, because we don't want to believe someone with a sterling public image would do such a thing. Thus the child feels crazy, as if she/he is the one with the problem.
One example of overt sexual abuse whereby the perpetrator disguises his actions and those present are in denial about what is transpiring is exemplified by the incident a client, who is a sexual abuse survivor, reported seeing. Her father (her perpetrator) kissed his granddaughter, her one-year-old niece on the pubic area after her niece finished her bath. Her sister, the child's mother, the child's grandmother (wife of the perpetrator) were present. "My sister and mother (the child's grandmother) laughed and I got sick to the stomach. Am I over reacting," she asked. Obviously, her sister and mother are unaware of the definition of sexual abuse. Except for the fact this woman was in therapy she would not have considered it sexual abuse either.
An example of covert sexual abuse by someone we least expect is exemplified by a 39 year-old woman who came to me after having a severe panic attack. During our investigation as to the root cause of the panic attack she revealed she had been 'fondled' when she was nine by a family friend. "He helped me on with my coat at a family gathering. As he adjusted my coat onto my shoulder, he fondled my breast." This type fondling is often times referred to as 'coping a feel.' No matter the label, it is sexual abuse and causes damage. Women know how icky it feels when a man 'cops a feel.' Can you imagine what it would feel like for a nine-year-old, who has no information to comprehend and emotionally resolve what she experienced?
Another example of covert sexual abuse by someone you least expect was told to me by my client, Rickie (not his real name). He remembered being held by his mother's best friend in the water at the beach when he was six, while his parents sat on the beach. Fully protected from view by the water, she fondled his penis. This was not the end of the sexual abuse. When Rickie was 15 years old, she enticed him to have sex with her at her home while he waited for her son, his friend to come home. The second incident of her sexual abuse of Rickie was overt.
Something can be done to protect your child. If I'd Known...Sexual Abuse In or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, the one book every parent/caretaker needs to keep children safe. Seven compelling parent approved and child tested techniques to thwart would-be sex offenders.
Roman Paur, Executive Director. Interfaith Sexual Trauma Institute (ISTI) endorsed the book with this statement:
"The sexual abuse of children can happen with most any youngster by most any adult but some children are especially vulnerable to being abused and some adults are particularly driven to violating them. Predatory adults threaten families and communities as safe havens and alert us to the need to be informed, vigilant, and clear about shielding children from harm. This timely guidebook is an important step in that direction by alerting parents, leaders, and caregivers to common dangers and calculated grooming that can threaten the well being of children in the home and community. This book is eminently practical and filled with a lot of common sense checks and reminders, the kind of guidance detail that can come from the author's experience as a therapist. With specific examples of how abuse occurs, the author expands her solid overview of the issues in the first half of the book. The last half is devoted to what to do concerns and checklists. This is a guide to prevention that includes also a nice bibliography for additional in-depth help."
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Author, If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in verbal, sexual and physical abuse prevention and recovery. http://www.gen-assist.com
If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, has been endorsed by: Teresa C. Chambers, Former Chief of Police, Durham, N.C. and Paul Ragonese, former highly decorated NYC Police Officer, former cablevision host, Safe Streets, currently CBS Crime News consultant, and Virginia Newman Littell, NJ State Senate child advocate and Board member.
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