Child Abuse: History, Laws and the A.S.P.C.A

From a historical perspective, child abuse has plagued society since the beginning of time. Two rights have been at the core of child abuse: the right to own property, and the right to own children.

In ancient Rome, fathers had absolute authority over their children. They alone decided which of their children lived or died. Children born deformed, disabled, or in any way outside of what was considered normal, children born of the 'wrong' gender, namely girls when boys were far more desirable, would be killed. Fathers had the right to maim and brutalize their children without fear of retribution. Harsh discipline was deemed necessary to mold the child into mindful, contributing human beings.

In England, children as young as 5 years old were shackled and forced to work 16-hour-days in inhumane conditions of mines and factories. Cruel overseers frequently goaded these little children with whips and prods.

Canada must also be accountable for its part in child abuse history. From 1870 to 1930, more than 8000 children were taken from the streets of Dublin and London, then shipped overseas to Canadian homes where they were beaten, demeaned and forced to labour on farms and in factories, all in the name of 'shaping' their young charges. In fact, these young people were nothing more than slaves.

In the late 1800s, a church worker named Etta Wheeler forever changed the face of parental authority in North America.

During a family visit, Mrs. Wheeler discovered 11-year-old Mary-Ellen, the step-daughter of the woman casually entertaining Mrs. Wheeler, shackled to her bed and badly beaten. Too tiny and ill-formed for her 11 years, it was quite evident Mary-Ellen was also grossly malnourished. Some of her scars were visibly healed over, giving a clear picture of long-term and sustained child abuse.

Appalled by what she saw, Mrs. Wheeler reported the severe and obvious abuse and neglect to the authorities. The authorities could find no law that had been broken: in 1873--and even today in many countries--what went on behind the closed doors of the family was considered no one's business but the family's.

But Etta Wheeler was determined: she marched herself into the American S.P.C.A. demanding they do something to help the battered Mary-Ellen.

Animals were protected, but children were not!

In order for the A.S.P.C.A. to act on behalf of Mary-Ellen, children had to be declared members of the animal kingdom, which is indeed what happened. The A.S.P.C.A. did finally intervene. Mary-Ellen was removed from her abusive home and placed in foster care, where she thrived. She eventually married and had 2 daughters of her own, one of whom she named Etta as a tribute to her rescuer. Mary-Ellen lived to the age of 92.

Mary-Ellen is considered the very first case of child abuse in North America, more because of the historical significance than the historical accuracy. The time had finally come to protect children as children, which lead to the creation of child abuse laws.

Today in Canada, the most notable laws governing child abuse are:

1. Age of MajorityM

2. Statute of Limitations

3. Duty to Report

AGE OF MAJORITY: A child becomes an adult at either age 18 or 19, depending on the province of residence. A minor child is between ages 0 to 18 or 19.

STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS: In Canada there is no statute of limitations on reporting and charging someone with child abuse. Whether the abuse occurred 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 years, or 50 years ago, a report can still be made and charges can still be laid. Nowhere is this more evident than with the abuse that went on in Residential Schools with our native peoples. More than 7000 lawsuits have been filed against the Canada federal government, the Catholic church, and certain individuals alleging physical, sexual and emotional abuse during years spent in mandatory attendance and confinement in these Residential Schools.

DUTY TO REPORT: Of all the laws, statutes and conventions (namely, the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which Canada ratified December 13, 1991) governing child abuse in Canada, duty to report is by far the most important when it comes to child protection.

Duty to report dictates that known or suspected child abuse must be reported to the authorities. Failure to do so could result in charges being laid and up to a $10,000 fine. The purpose behind this law is to ensure that children are protected in a timely manner, that children aren't being abused for their entire lives.

What are the legal consequences if after reporting, an investigation proves child maltreatment was/is not present or cannot be proven? There are no legal consequences as long as the report is made in good faith and in the best interest of the child.

Save a child: Report known or suspected child abuse!

RELATED PAGES:

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse-law.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/age-of-majority.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/statute-of-limitations.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/duty-to-report.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com is a site that details the four types of child abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, and neglect); signs, effects and statistics for each; sexual abuse victims, including victims with disabilities; sex offenders, including female, child, adolescent, and Internet offenders; laws governing child abuse; intervention; prevention; plus a forum to write your own child abuse story.

Darlene Barriere is a certified child abuse and neglect facilitator with the Canadian Red Cross. She conducts workshops with youth and adults on the subject of child abuse, bullying and harassment, violence in sports, and relationship violence. She has written a book detailing how she overcame the devastating effects of child abuse.

Darlene Barriere Copyright 2005

You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as all bylines and live hyperlinks are included.

Sexually Abused Children - There IS Hope!

PART 1: Warning - This article may be inappropriate for younger readers. Please seek the permission of a parent or guardian before reading further.

Lately, I'm hearing a lot about suicide or suicide attempts. It's becoming increasingly clear to me, however, that what I'm hearing about even more often is childhood sexual abuse.

It's everywhere.

Some might say this epidemic of childhood sexual abuse is another "sign of the Apocalypse." After all, the Scriptures declare: "...in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away," (2 Timothy 3:1-5). Hmmm...lovers of selves...disobedient to parents...without natural affection...lovers of pleasure...they may even have a form of godliness. Wow. Certainly, with Satan's track record for hating and murdering children throughout history, it's a pretty good guess that he could have his hand in this current epidemic, too.

Epidemic? Perhaps. Based on reported cases, US Justice Department statistics reveal that one in every four girls and one in every six boys (2.78 million guys) will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen.

JESUS: LORD OF THE SEXUAL PREDATORS?

The media is filled with stories about childhood sexual abuse involving everyone from ministers to siblings. Just this morning, a headline screamed that an Abilene minister was sentenced for sexually abusing a foster child. Though most Christians will likely find quite appalling the stories and statistics I've recently been pouring over, one thing we cannot forget - one thing that we absolutely MUST bear in mind - is that Jesus died for sex offenders, too.

I know. I know. I cringed as I was reminded of that fact. I recall a man angrily declaring, "I hope there's an exceedingly hot place in Hell for child abusers!" Even within our prisons, child sex offenders are looked upon as being the worst of the worst. But let's remember, in most cases, child abusers were once sexually molested, precious little children, too.

The cycle must be broken.

I firmly believe that there are some God-fearing Christians reading this right now who are struggling with personally sexually abusing children and that he - or she (about 60% of male survivors report at least one of their perpetrators was/is female) - needs to know that God loves them with an everlasting love and NOTHING can separate them from that love.

Jesus is the way out. Friends, you CAN get help. Your life is a struggle and you've known all along that something just wasn't "right" in your life. Let's deal with it. NOW! There's a reason why every one of us is the way we are. We are receptacles but yours is NOT an insurmountable problem. In the same way your problem has gotten gradually worse, it really CAN get better.

In addition, I am certain that there are scores of readers who were victims of childhood sexual abuse. You need to know that there is no shame. You are not guilty. You are not "damaged goods" and God desires to empower you and use the story of your life to encourage many, many others who have believed the devil's lies. There is an army just like you - an army looking for leadership - who needs to know the way out. Jesus is the WAY, working through you. Lead them out, back onto the battlefield where you can all make a difference as wounded, yet overcoming, soldiers. The planet is covered with people like you who need help. Go on and break the cycle. Yes, YOU!

To those who are neither sex offenders (who may even disdain those who commit these acts), or victims of childhood sexual abuse (who cannot relate to the emotional suffering they are experiencing that is impacting virtually every other aspect of their lives), I ask that you read this article, gather the facts, and ask that God would break your heart for both the abusers and the abused. This issue DOES involve you.

According to Ephesians Chapter 6 in the Holy Bible, our battle is NEVER against people, but against demonic forces at work in people's lives. We must see those who hurt people as hurting people. Let us perceive them as we would a child playing on a playground, oblivious to the rabid dog approaching. Do we get angry at the child or run to their defense with prayer, encouragement and counsel?

WHAT ONE SURVIVOR SAYS

Here's what one survivor of childhood sexual abuse had to say about her journey toward victory after being abused by a minister in her church: ...abuse touched every aspect of my life - emotional, physical, relational and spiritual. I lived with a victim mentality for over thirty years until I learned to be a survivor.

I was angry with everyone, and afraid to trust anyone. Shame and guilt became my constant companions, convincing me that I somehow encouraged the abusers' advances. I built protective barriers to avoid loving and being loved.

It seemed as though my body defied me by bringing unsolicited sexual advances, thus becoming my own worst enemy. I took revenge against my body, forcing it to make restitution for its disloyalty as I smoked, drank, and over-ate my way to false comfort.

Because adults betrayed and humiliated me, I became rebellious, refusing to submit to authority. I kept intimate relationships at bay for fear someone I cared about would learn my secret.

Because some of my abusers were "upstanding" members in the church clergy, I couldn't trust a God who seemed indifferent to my suffering and who allowed adults to abuse me. I was afraid of that kind of love, so I rejected God and the counsel of the church.

I suffered silently for more than thirty years before it became imperative that I face the issues of sexual abuse in my life. I couldn't carry the burden and pain alone. I had to face the past, deal with the hurts and learn to live in the present. The "protective tools" I selected as a twelve-year old abused child - anger, bitterness and refusal to forgive - caused me more pain rather than relief, since I longed for love, acceptance and affirmation.

I didn't want to forgive, however, because forgiving my abusers seemed to reduce the significance of the crime and their need for punishment...I felt warranted in my desire for justice... I did nothing to cause the abuse - it wasn't my fault. However, I was responsible for my refusal to forgive and my willingness to hate and harm rather than to love using healthy boundaries. I was wrong for judging all people as evil because of the crimes of a few. Refusing to forgive, to accept and receive love and to constructively deal with my anger and fear was hurting me, not my abusers. I had to stop running from my longings for loving relationships.

This realization sent me into a fierce battle - a matter of life and death. I felt I was teetering on the ledge of sanity versus insanity by the tips of my fingers, my body dangling above the abyss of despair. I was afraid of change, but even more afraid of the pain I carried. But I didn't try to hide from the truth this time.

I understood the abuse was so invasive it would be a lifelong recovery process. Just the thought of letting go of the anger and the grief was hard to bear so I prayed...Eventually, God eliminated the pain from my past, but I'm yet learning to deal with the present, which is strongly influenced by my past.

DEFINING CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

Here's one appropriate definition: "Any sexual activity initiated by a peer or adult without consent is abuse, including physical, visual or verbal stimuli." As a rule of thumb, it's when a person invades the physical or psychological realm of a child or touches them sexually. This invasion results in the child suffering physical and/or psychological damage.

I talked with the father of three young daughters who, after viewing a pornographic video while his girls were sleeping, hit 'rewind' and went to bed. He was horrified the next morning as he walked in on his innocent little girls, still in their pajamas, huddled around the TV, eating Lucky Charms, watching daddy's erotic film. Twenty years later, the girls have had multitudes of unnecessary personal, sexual and relational burdens to bear, including teen pregnancy and other psychological issues. Granted, they may have wound up that way anyway, but as I relay that story to you, I cannot help but wonder if we, as a society, aren't just as guilty of the sexual abuse of our nation's children as we expose them to all sorts of off-color, even blatantly sexual examples from the immodest fashions of pop-singers to adult sit-coms and sexual content in films and printed subject matter. Children should not have to try and process the garbage we feed them by way of the media. We adults are having a hard enough time processing all the junk we're exposed to.

Many people don't realize that they have, in actuality - by definition - been sexually abused. See, the term 'sexual abuse' encompasses a wide variety of inappropriate actions from so-called "victimless" crimes like voyeurism and indecent exposure, to child molestation, incest and rape. Voyeurism and indecent exposure are often "gateway crimes" that can start an offender down the path to more serious action.

Here's a myth-buster: Contrary to popular belief, the perpetrators of sex offenses are NOT acting out of sexual desires; their primary motive is simply POWER. Child abusers may become so demonically oppressed that they give way to a stronghold and begin to seek domination - CONTROL - over others who are easy prey. When one abusive act fails to satisfy, they find themselves wanting more. The acts can often become so dangerous that nothing short of taking a human life will stop the urge. To sex offenders, victims are not seen as being real people, but as OBJECTS to be dominated.

A MAJOR SOCIAL ISSUE

How pervasive is sexual abuse of children? It's estimated that there are 60 million child rape survivors in the USA today. Children with disabilities are 4 to 10 times more vulnerable to sexual abuse than their non-disabled peers (Source: National Resource Center on Child Sexual Abuse, 1992). Long term effects of child abuse include fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, tendency toward substance abuse and difficulty with close relationships. (Source: Browne & Finkelhor, 1986).

Adolescents with a history of sexual abuse are significantly more likely than their counterparts to engage in sexual behavior that puts them at risk for HIV infection, according to Dr. Larry K. Brown, Rhode Island Hospital. According to Dr. Brown, "These results suggest two things. Abused kids need adequate counseling around abuse issues. A lot of these kids keep re-experiencing the anxiety and trauma for years." The second issue, he said, is that "most therapy does not address current sexual behavior" and the anxieties that sexually abused adolescents experience. (Source: Larry K. Brown, M.D., et al, American Journal of Psychiatry 2000).

Did you know that, among both adolescent girls and boys, a history of sexual or physical abuse appears to increase the risk of eating disorders? Abused girls were more dissatisfied with their weight and more likely to diet and purge their food by vomiting or using laxatives and diuretics. These girls were also more likely to restrict their eating when they were bored or emotionally upset. This finding suggests that abused girls might experience higher levels of emotional distress, possibly linked to their abuse, and have trouble coping. Food restriction and perhaps other eating disorder behaviors may (reflect) efforts to cope with such experiences. (Source: Stephen A. Wonderlich, M.D., et al, University of North Dakota School of Medicine and Health Sciences in Fargo, Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 2000).

The secnd part on this subject is available to anyone who is interested.

Simply write team1min@our-tonw.com and type ABUSE2 in the SUBJECT BAR.

Every blessing,

Michael Tummillo

http://www.YourTown4Jesus.com

Michael

A servant of God

t.e.a.m. ministries

A Message of Discipleship & Encouragement to the Body of Christ

P.O. Box 633

Stephenville, Texas 76401

[http://www.YourTown4Jesus.com]

Michael has been broadcasting his eMail messages of Discipleship and encouragement to Christians of all denominations since 1999. These messages are literally reaching millions each week and the messages are being re-posted on other Christian sites,used as Bible studies for groups, and are being used by those in ministry as a preaching guide.

Red Flags of an Abusive Relationship - Signs You're in an Unhealthy Relationship

What is an abusive relationship?

An abusive relationship is an intimate relationship (married, co-habiting, same sex partners) whereby one partner (the abuser) uses various methods to exert control and power over their partner (the victim). If you are reading this article, it is very likely that you know or suspect that you or someone close to you is in such a relationship. If you are at the point where you are just suspicious, I strongly encourage you to read on because one of the 'symptoms' of being in an abusive relationship is denial, which hugely minimises and justifies the abusive behaviour. Although it is commonly thought that most abusers are male, this is in fact not the case at all. So this article covers both female and male partner abuse.

What types of abuse are there?

Physical abuse

This takes the form of pushing, choking, hitting, kicking or any form of aggressive physical contact. This could also include threats of such violence or damage to surrounding property in order to vent (punching walls, kicking furniture, throwing things etc).

This is the type of abuse most of us think of when we think of abusive relationships. We also usually think of the battered wife. Contrary to popular belief there are nearly an equal number of 'battered' men. These men are just as vulnerable as women because they are equally likely to suffer serious physical harm, but apart from this, there are very limited resources to help such men, they fear not being taken seriously, and because of their nature, they would find it difficult, if not impossible to discuss such a problem with friends or family.

Physical abuse is quite an easy form of abuse to recognize, but there are other very insidious forms of abuse that can keep the victim tangled in the abusive web without realising they are in fact a victim. I use the word victim with trepidation here because the word victim somehow suggests weakness and helplessness. I want to be very clear here. I am using the word victim here meaning 'injured party', and nothing else. The victim will have feelings of 'weakness' and 'helplessness' but that is not the reality. The victim is, in fact, the stronger party in the abusive relationship but the dynamics of the abusive relationship have given the abused the perception that they are weak, which is what needs to be healed. Now let us look at the other more insidious forms of abuse.

Financial abuse

Financial abuse is where one party uses finance to control their partner. This could take many forms. It could be that you have to continually ask your partner for money when you need it for normal household expenses. Or your partner could spend large amounts of money putting your household in debt, or simply leaving a very small amount of money at your disposal. It could be that you have to constantly justify what you have spent to your partner even though there is more than enough to go around. Or your partner may hide their assets so you have no idea how much money they have.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is where your partner resorts to name calling or undermining you verbally. This could take many forms such as calling you stupid, or ugly. It could take the form of blaming you for all the challenges in the relationship, or any events that your partner does not like. It may be that you are regularly judged and criticised by your partner or even humiliated in front of family and friends.

Emotional Abuse

All forms of abuse are insidious in nature, but this form of abuse is particularly so. This could take a huge variety of forms so I will mention just a few examples. In all abusive relationships, it is important that the victim is isolated as much as possible. This allows the abuser much more control because the victim loses the support of loved ones and friends. So the emotional abuser will try to restrict access to friends and family. This could be done by arguing with friends and family and then poisoning the victim against their loved ones. They may try to control where you go and what you wear. They may also blame you for their behaviour, or for any other challenges in their life and in their relationship with you. They may undermine and humiliate you either at home or in company. They may also fly into a rage when challenged, or withdraw any kind of affection or support if you do something that does not please them.

Sexual Abuse

This could take many forms. Your partner may continually insist that you perform sexual acts that you are reluctant to perform. It could also be that your partner tries to persuade you to have sex when you don't want to. He/she may then fly into a rage if you won't comply or threaten to go elsewhere for sexual gratification.

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Above are just a few examples of abusive behaviour. Other indications of being in an abusive relationship are how you feel. I have listed below some examples that indicate you are in an abusive and/or toxic relationship.

Indicators that you are in an Abusive Relationship

· You feel you can't express yourself openly and honestly with your partner

· You are walking on eggshells

· You constantly censor what you say

· You lack spontaneity

· You do not feel listened to in the relationship

· You feel emotionally unsupported in the relationship

· You sometimes wonder if your partner has your best interests at heart

· You often feel drained of energy

· Life in general seems a lot more difficult

· You feel isolated

· You feel brow beaten

· Your confidence and self-esteem are low

· You try really hard but never seem to be able to genuinely please your partner

· You doubt your own decisions and feel the need to 'ask permission' from your partner before taking action

· You sometimes dislike (even hate) your partner

· You feel sorry for your partner

· You are afraid of your partner

· You long to be free

This list is by no means exhaustive but if you experience a few of these feelings on a regular basis you need to look at your relationship in more depth.

What is a Healthy Relationship?

According to Dr Phil, the health of a relationship is directly linked to the degree in which the needs of both parties are met. We all have needs and the more of those needs that are met, the happier and healthier we are. In a toxic/abusive relationship, the needs of the abuser are of paramount importance, and the needs of the victim are neglected. In fact, if you are in an abusive relationship it is likely you may now not really know what your needs are. The abusive relationship is so all encompassing for the victim that they often totally lose themselves in it, making it even more difficult to escape. A healthy relationship is a relationship that makes you feel safe and supported. Both you and your partner should feel nurtured and nourished and be totally free to express yourself fully. It should support the growth and feelings of freedom of both within the partnership, respecting and meeting the needs of both concerned.

How to Escape from a Toxic/Abusive Relationship.

The first and hardest step is often to admit you are in an abusive relationship. Toxic relationships are immersed in denial. The progression of the abusive relationship is a very insidious one as mentioned earlier. The abuser is often very charismatic and at first, will only show the abusive behaviour on occasion. By then, the victim is often hugely invested in the relationship. To protect this investment, the victim then invests more to overcome the challenges the abuser introduces to the relationship. As the insidious abuse becomes more frequent, the self-esteem and confidence of the victim diminishes making them less assertive and able to overcome the abusive cycle. And so the cycle continues. The victim is also now very isolated so their only point of reference becomes the abusers warped perception, because they no longer have their own independent perception. They are now lost in the relationship, so to admit the relationship is toxic means they have to take action. They feel powerless and helpless against their abuser so they deny that the problem is as serious as they secretly know it is because they feel trapped.

So the first step towards freeing yourself is to lose the denial and admit your relationship is toxic. As a starting point it is wise to do as much research as possible on this subject. This will help you remove your blinkers and see the relationship for what it really is. It is important to do this because when trying to leave an abusive relationship, the abuser will employ any tactic they feel will keep you invested in the relationship. It is important to see these tactics for exactly what they are so that you don't get hooked back in. This is also the time where any abuse is likely to escalate so you must devise a plan of escape that will keep you safe. There are lots of organisations out there that can help and support you through this. Make absolutely sure that you do not put yourself in danger during this time. Seek professional help and advice.

Once you can see the relationship for what it is, you can then spend time nurturing yourself to get your strength and energy up again. Be kind to yourself, and as far as possible try to do at least one thing a day that you really enjoy. Work on your damaged self-esteem. See Complimentary Therapists or a Counsellor to help you find yourself again, and turn to family and friends for support. Make sure you turn to people or organisations that specialise in abusive relationships to get the best help possible. And finally you may find comfort in the last paragraphs.

Who Makes a Good Victim?

All too often the victim of an abusive relationship feels weak and stupid. There is nothing further from the truth. In my experience, the people who become victims are actually very kind, loving and inspiring individuals. They fall prey to this type of relationship because they want to nurture the people around them. They want the very best for their family and friends. They often become embroiled in toxic relationships because of this very fact. They really want the best for their abuser, but no matter how hard they try, it never seems to quite work, so they try harder, and harder and harder! This shows great persistence, great strength and compassion. All great attributes that will assist you in your escape!

Who is the Abuser?

In my experience, abusers are very weak individuals who feel powerless. If you think about it, why would someone want to control someone else's behaviour? They do it because they feel powerless and their control gives them a sense of power. This also leads to the question, why would they want to exert control over the victim? Because they see the victim as powerful and they want to diminish that power! So the dynamic of the abusive relationship is actually the reverse of how it is seen by the victim!

Sara is a Homeopath and Psychological Coach who helps people overcome physical, emotional and behavioural challenges using natural medicine and/or a variety of therapeutic techniques.

Dealing with an Abusive Spouse - Knowing the Pattern

Domestic violence, defined generally as abuse among two individuals who in a biological or social relationship, is widespread. Most of it derives from men towards the women they have a marital or live-in relationship with, so this article will deal specifically with those instances. I know there are other types of abuses--towards aged parents or relatives, towards children and siblings. Please refer to my other articles on this subject which, like a cancer, is often undiagnosed and spreads violently.

Here are the various known stages of domestic violence-you will not find this in any text book, although books and study material are helpful in recognizing signs of domestic abuse. This is developed after studying behavioral patterns of abusers and studying how such violence develops over time. I will explain each stage so you can be aware of its symptoms.

Verbal abuse-one-on-one

Verbal abuse in a group

Physical abuse (usually one-on-one, unless in a "power-setting")

Intermittent affinity syndrome

"Specific relevance" syndrome

"Discard"

As you can see, these are unusual labels, but they are almost exactly how an abuser treats his subject, be it wife or girlfriend.. So let us define and symptomize it. Now, people are different and so are the abusers, so the stages may not follow each other in the orderly fashion I have laid out; however, left unchecked an abuser's behavior will, at some time, cover most if not all of the above traits.

Before I explain the behavioral definitions, I should sound a note of warning about another quality of an abuser that is often neglected. Abusers are very cunning, and learn from mistakes of others and their own So they "smart up" so to speak. I will give one instance. In many cases, a physical abuser will hurt his subject in areas that are not for public viewing--ribs, chest, just below navel etc. He is counting on the fact that the areas attacked will not be viewed publicly and therefore no suspicions raised. Another example--an abuser will often cite the reason that got him "irritated", and the subject is usually to blame. This is putting the guilt trip on the abused. So watch out for these and other unique, cunning ways.

There is another attribute. Most abusers I have known or read about are cowards at heart. Therefore, it usually takes the wife to make one strong reaction, usually with a physical object, to perhaps stem at least the physical if not the verbal abuse.

Now for the behavioral pattern definitions.

Verbal abuse, one-on-one: this is a trait where the abuser insults, ridicules the subject, be it his wife or partner. The topic of ridicule often is something the abused holds dear to herself. It may be her faith, her habit of cleanliness, her non-alcoholic lifestyle, her frugality etc. This is an abuser's way of showing that the cherished view or value is kind of worthless in real world.

Verbal abuse, in a group: the abuser chooses to insult or ridicule his wife or partner when in a group. Strangely, the abuse increases in intensity when there are complete strangers---again his way of showing to a complete stranger the "dark" side of his wife.

Physical abuse: as the name suggests, this involves a physical attack, either using hands or another object. However, many times, unlike the name suggests, there may not actually be a physical attack, but merely a threat of one. Some traits are--coming very close suddenly, blocking the person, turning suddenly towards the person. While most of the time this physical attack is without witnesses but in instances where it has witnesses, it is usually to strengthen the abuser's confidence and his power play. So the witness may be their own child.

Intermittent Affinity syndrome: ever hear of "Stockholm syndrome"? This particular behavior trait is responsible for it. Stockholm syndrome is simply the name given to a situation where the abused either falls in love with or defends her abuser. An abuser will space his abuse and fill the intermittent space with show of love and affection. There is a deeper psychological reason for it--remember I said most abusers are cunning? If you have been abused, verbally or physically, you come to expect more of the same; when the abuser shows you love and tenderness, you tend to forget the bouts of abuse. Add to that the abuser's practice of blaming you for his turning violent or verbally abusive--and now you have a perfect scenario for the abused to actually begin loving her abuser.

Specific Relevance syndrome: one form of deep abuse is where the abuser only occasionally references the abused for one or two of her qualities. So the abuser may say, "Honey, you really need to dress better; isn't enough you are a half-way decent cook". This, if repeated, is a form of verbal abuse.

Discard: this is the ultimate insult added to the injury. In this trait, the abuser rejects any relevance of the abused person's existence or contribution, in other words, she is "worthless" as a human being. This type of behavior further empowers the abuser when he switches to the Intermittent Affinity syndrome in being regarded as more "acceptable" by his subject.

So my suggestion, if you or someone you know are the abused, study the behavioral patterns of the abuser carefully and document these. Each of these, with evidence, can be support mechanism for a way out of the abuse, whether it is legal, social or financial.

Is Your Child Safe From Sexual Abuse?

If you taught your child all the rules of 'stranger danger' you have protected him/her from a 1% chance of being sexually abused. This leaves your child vulnerable to the most likely sexual child abuse offender, family members or other trusted adults. 80% of children are sexually abused by a family member, 19% are abused by someone the child knows and trusts. The other little known statistic is the frequency of sexual child abuse. David Finkelhor and Dianna Russell's research reveals 62% of girls and 31% of boys will be sexually abused by age 18. Unfortunately this statistic is considered low due to the difficulty in gathering data through surveys or reporting agencies.

For many decades we have screamed, ranted, condemned, demanded and enacted legislation to punish sex offenders to little avail. The news media and magazines have joined in the campaign to illuminate the problem after the damage is done. As a result of the media's incessant coverage and hype of 'strangers,' we have come to believe if we teach our children about 'stranger danger,' we have thoroughly protected our children from this horrific crime.

The first response we form when hearing of sexual abuse or incest is denial. 'I don't have to be concerned about that in my community. That would never happen in my family.' The unbelievable reality is that a person who sexually abuses children may seem very average and ordinary to the world. Furthermore, we find sexual abuse and incest even more difficult to believe or accept when the person we like, admire, love, and/or marry is the perpetrator of the abuse. Tragically, the unwillingness to accept the facts concerning sexual abuse perpetrators leaves children vulnerable to becoming victims and increases the likelihood that they will be abused.

To understand how sexual child abuse is perpetrated by the person we least suspect one needs to have a comprehensive definition of sexual child abuse. See complete definition of Sexual Child Abuse at Genesis Consultants, Inc.

There are two types of sexual abuse approaches-overt and covert.

Overt sexual abuse is openly sexual and apparent. Although there may be an attempt to deny that it is abusive, there is no attempt to hide the fact that it is sexual in nature.

Covert sexual abuse is more insidious. Thus, identifying it is harder, because the sexual nature of the action is disguised. The perpetrator acts as if she/he is doing something non-sexual, when in fact he or she is being sexual. The betrayal then becomes two-fold. The child is not only abused, but also tricked or deceived about the act. In this dishonesty, the child is unable to identify or clarify his/her perception of the experience. The unreal or surreal sense that accompanies any sexual abuse is intensified when the child is tricked into disbelief. Thus, the child doubts his/her perceptions and feelings and believes that there is something wrong with him/herself because he/she feels terrible. To make matters worse, everyone around her/him discounts signs of the abuse, because we don't want to believe someone with a sterling public image would do such a thing. Thus the child feels crazy, as if she/he is the one with the problem.

One example of overt sexual abuse whereby the perpetrator disguises his actions and those present are in denial about what is transpiring is exemplified by the incident a client, who is a sexual abuse survivor, reported seeing. Her father (her perpetrator) kissed his granddaughter, her one-year-old niece on the pubic area after her niece finished her bath. Her sister, the child's mother, the child's grandmother (wife of the perpetrator) were present. "My sister and mother (the child's grandmother) laughed and I got sick to the stomach. Am I over reacting," she asked. Obviously, her sister and mother are unaware of the definition of sexual abuse. Except for the fact this woman was in therapy she would not have considered it sexual abuse either.

An example of covert sexual abuse by someone we least expect is exemplified by a 39 year-old woman who came to me after having a severe panic attack. During our investigation as to the root cause of the panic attack she revealed she had been 'fondled' when she was nine by a family friend. "He helped me on with my coat at a family gathering. As he adjusted my coat onto my shoulder, he fondled my breast." This type fondling is often times referred to as 'coping a feel.' No matter the label, it is sexual abuse and causes damage. Women know how icky it feels when a man 'cops a feel.' Can you imagine what it would feel like for a nine-year-old, who has no information to comprehend and emotionally resolve what she experienced?

Another example of covert sexual abuse by someone you least expect was told to me by my client, Rickie (not his real name). He remembered being held by his mother's best friend in the water at the beach when he was six, while his parents sat on the beach. Fully protected from view by the water, she fondled his penis. This was not the end of the sexual abuse. When Rickie was 15 years old, she enticed him to have sex with her at her home while he waited for her son, his friend to come home. The second incident of her sexual abuse of Rickie was overt.

Something can be done to protect your child. If I'd Known...Sexual Abuse In or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, the one book every parent/caretaker needs to keep children safe. Seven compelling parent approved and child tested techniques to thwart would-be sex offenders.

Roman Paur, Executive Director. Interfaith Sexual Trauma Institute (ISTI) endorsed the book with this statement:

"The sexual abuse of children can happen with most any youngster by most any adult but some children are especially vulnerable to being abused and some adults are particularly driven to violating them. Predatory adults threaten families and communities as safe havens and alert us to the need to be informed, vigilant, and clear about shielding children from harm. This timely guidebook is an important step in that direction by alerting parents, leaders, and caregivers to common dangers and calculated grooming that can threaten the well being of children in the home and community. This book is eminently practical and filled with a lot of common sense checks and reminders, the kind of guidance detail that can come from the author's experience as a therapist. With specific examples of how abuse occurs, the author expands her solid overview of the issues in the first half of the book. The last half is devoted to what to do concerns and checklists. This is a guide to prevention that includes also a nice bibliography for additional in-depth help."

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Author, If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in verbal, sexual and physical abuse prevention and recovery. http://www.gen-assist.com

If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, has been endorsed by: Teresa C. Chambers, Former Chief of Police, Durham, N.C. and Paul Ragonese, former highly decorated NYC Police Officer, former cablevision host, Safe Streets, currently CBS Crime News consultant, and Virginia Newman Littell, NJ State Senate child advocate and Board member.

Anger Management, a Neglected Topic in Substance Abuse Intervention

A long standing issue

Problems managing anger has always been a concern for patients suffering from addictive disorders. Pioneering research by my mentor, Dr. Sidney Cohen at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute demonstrated the relationship between, anger, violence and the use of alcohol and or cocaine. One of the most popular articles written by Dr. Cohen, was entitled, "Alcohol, the most dangerous drug known to man". In this and other publications, Dr. Cohen systematically demonstrated the causal relationship between cocaine and alcohol abuse and aggression. Much of this research was done in the 70s and 80s.

Anger has always been a factor in substance abuse intervention. Unfortunately, until recently, it has been overlooked or treated as an after thought by substance abuse programs nationwide. Substance use and abuse often coexist with anger, aggressive behavior and person-directed violence. Data from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration's National Household Survey on Drug Abuse indicated that 40 % of frequent cocaine users reported engaging in some form of violence or aggressive behavior. Anger and aggression often can have a causal role in the initiation of drug and alcohol use and can also be a consequence associated with substance abuse. Persons who experience traumatic events, for example, often experience anger and act violently, as well as abuse drugs or alcohol. This is currently occurring with recently returned combat veterans from Iraq.

ANGER AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Substance abuse and dependence has grown beyond even the bleakest predictions of the past. In the United States alone, there are an estimated 23 million people who are struggling (on a daily basis) with some form of substance abuse or dependence. The toll it is having on our society is dramatically increased when we factor in the number of families who suffer the consequences of living with a person with an addiction, such as:

o Job loss

o Incarceration

o Loss of child Custody

o DUI's

o Domestic Violence/Aggression

o Marital problems/divorce

o Accidents/injuries

o Financial problems

o Depression/anxiety/chronic anger

Unfortunately, most substance abusers may not even be aware that they have an underlying anger problem and do not "connect" their anger problem to their alcoholism, drug addiction and substance abuse. Therefore, they do not seek (or get) help for their anger problem. But more often than not, their anger is the underlying source of their disorder.

Anger precedes the use of cocaine and alcohol for many alcohol and cocaine dependent individuals. Anger is an emotional and mental form of "suffering" that occurs whenever our desires and expectations of life, others or self are thwarted or unfulfilled. Addictive behavior and substance abuse is an addict's way of relieving themselves of the agony of their anger by "numbing" themselves with drugs, alcohol and so on. This is not "managing their anger", but self medication.

When we do not know how to manage our anger appropriately, we try to keep the anger inside ourselves. Over time, it festers and often gives rise to even more painful emotions, such as depression and anxiety. Thus, the individual has now created an additional problem for themselves besides their substance abuse, and must be treated with an additional disorder. Several clinical studies have demonstrated that anger management intervention for individuals with substance abuse problems is very effective in reducing or altogether eliminating a relapse.

Medical research has found that alcohol, cocaine and methamphetamine dependence are medical diseases associated with biochemical changes in the brain. Traditional treatment approaches for drug and alcohol dependency focus mainly on group therapy and cognitive behavior modification, which very often does not deal with either the anger or the "physiological" components underlying the addictive behavior.

Anger precedes the use of cocaine for many cocaine-dependent individuals; thus, cocaine-dependent individuals who experience frequent and intense episodes of anger may be more likely to relapse to cocaine use than individuals who can control their anger effectively. Several clinical trials have demonstrated that cognitive-behavioral interventions for the treatment of mood and anxiety disorders can be used to help individuals with anger control problems reduce the frequency and intensity with which they experience anger.

Although studies have indirectly examined anger management group treatments in populations with a high prevalence of substance abuse, few studies have directly examined the efficacy of an anger management treatment for cocaine-dependent individuals. A number of studies demonstrating the effectiveness of an anger management treatment in a sample of participants who had a primary diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder have been conducted by the Department of Veterans Affairs. Although many participants in these studies had a history of drug or alcohol dependence, the sample was not selected based on inclusion criteria for a substance dependence disorder, such as cocaine dependence. Considering the possible mediating role of anger for substance abuse, a study examining the efficacy of anger management treatment in a sample of cocaine-dependent patients would be informative.

Anger management as an after thought

In spite of the information available to all professional substance abuse treatment providers, anger management has not received the attention which is deserved and needed for successful substance abuse treatment. Many if not most substance abuse programs claim to offer anger management as one of the topics in its treatment yet few substance abuse counseling programs include anger certification for these counselors.

Typically, new substance abuse counselors are simply told that they will need to teach a certain numbers of hours or sessions on anger management and then left to find there own anger management information and teaching material. These counselors tend to piece together whatever they can find and present it as anger management.

Despite the connection of anger and violence to substance abuse, few substance abuse providers have attempted to either connect the two or provide intervention for both. In the Los Angeles area, a number of primarily upscale residential rehab programs for drug and alcohol treatment have contracted with Certified Anger Management Providers to offer anger management either in groups on an individual basis for inpatient substance abuse clients. Malibu based Promises (which caters to the stars) has contracted with Certified Providers to offer anger management on an individual coaching bases.

It may also be of interest to note that SAMSHA has published an excellent client workbook along with teacher's manual entitled, Anger Management for Substance Abuse and Mental Health Clients: A Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Manual [and] Participant Workbook.

This publication free and any program can order as many copies as needed without cost. There is simply no excuse for shortchanging substance abuse clients by not providing real anger management classes.

Limited anger management research

What has been offered as anger management in substance abuse programs has lacked integrity. The Canadian Bureau of Prisons has conducted a 15 year longitudinal study on the effectiveness of anger management classes for incarcerated defendants whose original crime included substance abuse, aggression and violence. One of first findings was that in order to be useful, the anger management model used must have integrity. Integrity is defined as using a client workbook containing all of the material needed for an anger management class, consistency among trainers in terms of how the material is taught and a pre and post test to document change made by clients who complete the class.

It is not possible to determine the effective of anger management which is fragmented and not based on any particular structure of theoretical base.

Anger management training is rarely integrated into substance abuse treatment

At the present time, anger management is rarely integrated into any model of substance abuse intervention. Rather, it is simply filler tacked on to a standard twelve step program,

Trends in anger management and substance abuse treatment.

Several years ago, the California state legislature established statewide guidelines for all state and locally supported substance abuse programs. This legislation is included in what is commonly referred to as proposition 36. As a result of this legislation, all substance abuse counselors must have documented training in anger management facilitator certification. This training requires 40 hours of core training plus 16 hours of continuing anger management education of a yearly basis.

What is Anger Management?

Anger management is rapidly becoming the most requested intervention in human services. It may be worthwhile to define what anger management is and is not. According to the American Psychiatric Association, anger is a normal human emotion. It is not a pathological condition therefore; it is not listed as a defined illness in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Nervous and Mental Disorders. Rather, anger is considered a lifestyle issue. This means that psychotherapy or psychotropic medication is not an appropriate intervention for teaching skills for managing anger.

The American Association of Anger Management Providers defines anger management as a skill enhancement course which teaches skills in recognizing and managing anger, stress, assertive communication and emotional intelligence. Anger is seen a normal human emotion which is a problem when it occurs too frequently, lasts too long, is too intense, is harmful to self or others or leads to person or property directed aggression.

The Anderson & Anderson anger management curriculum is currently the most widely used model of anger management in the world. This model includes an assessment at intake which is designed to determine the client's level of functioning in the following four areas, anger, stress, communication and emotional intelligence. The intervention/classes which are provided teach skills in these four areas. Post test are administered after course completion to determine the success or lack thereof of the program.

In Summary

All anger management programs should conduct an assessment at intake for substance abuse and psychopathology and all substance abuse programs should assess all participants for the current level of functioning in recognizing anger, stress, assertive communication and emotional intelligence.

All substance abuse programs should have their intervention staff certified in anger management facilitation.

Guidelines should be established to determine the number of hours/sessions that each client will receive in teaching skill enhancement in anger management, stress management, communication and emotional intelligence.

Anderson & Anderson
http://www.andersonservices.com
The Directory of Anger Management Providers
http://www.anger-management-resources.org
American Association of Anger Management Providers
http://www.aaamp.org

Sexual Abuse - Sibling

What is sibling sexual abuse? Like all forms of sexual abuse, sibling sexual abuse is an abuse of power. If a more powerful or stronger sibling, bribes or threatens a weaker sibling to engage in sexual activity--albeit the aggressor might be younger--it is sexual abuse. It is abuse because it does not take into consideration the needs or wishes of the victim; rather, it meets the needs of the other person at the victim's expense.

"Incest is both sexual abuse and an abuse of power. It is violence that does not require force. Another is using the victim, treating them in a way that they do not want or in a way that is not appropriate by a person with whom a different relationship is required. It is abuse because it does not take into consideration the needs or wishes of the child; rather, it meets the needs of the other person at the child's expense. If the experience has sexual meaning for another person, in lieu of a nurturing purpose for the benefit of the child, it is abuse. If it is unwanted or inappropriate for her age or the relationship, it is abuse. Incest [sexual abuse] can occur through words, sounds, or even exposure of the child to sights or acts that are sexual but do not involve her. If she is forced to see what she does not want to see, for instance, by an exhibitionist, it is abuse. If a child is forced into an experience that is sexual in content or overtone that is abuse. As long as the child is induced into sexual activity with someone who is in a position of greater power, whether that power is derived through the perpetrator's age, size, status, or relationship, the act is abusive. A child who cannot refuse, or who believes she or he cannot refuse, is a child who has been violated." (E. Sue Blume, Secret Survivors).

The aggressor usually reinforces the sibling trust of the targeted victim, and then violates that trust in order to commit the abuse. The aggressor may use force, the threat of force, bribery, the offer of special attention, or a gift to make the victim keep the abuse secret.

In sibling sexual abuse, the victim and the abuser are siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings or siblings by adoption. As in other forms of sexual abuse, sibling sexual abuse does not involve sexual touching. The aggressor may force two or more children to engage in sexual activity with one another. The aggressor may force the siblings to watch sexual activity or pornographic videos. The aggressor may also abuse them repeatedly watching them dress, shower or using the toilet.

As in any sexual abuse by a family member sibling sexual abuse is harmful for the following reasons:

o The victim feels pressured and trapped by the abuser. This pressure includes bribes, sexual stimulation or physical force. Self-esteem is impacted immeasurably.

o The victim feels betrayed, because someone they expect to love and care for them is harming them in the worst way possible. In addition, because children inherently believe a parent will protect them from all harm, and when they are harmed by a sibling, the victim feels betrayed twice--once by his/her sibling and by their parents. They might even believe that the parents think the abuse is acceptable--further adding to the emotional harm.

o The victim may feel responsible, bad or dirty--thus engendering feelings of guilt, shame and humiliation about their body, sexuality and personhood.

o Sibling abuse causes more damage than abuse by a stranger. This is because children are dependent for years on their families and on parents to keep them safe. Studies of convicted teenage sexual abuse offenders show that the sibling offenders commit more serious abuse over a longer period of time than other teenage offenders. This is so because the victims--brothers or sisters--are readily available, they are available for longer periods and the aggressors are protected by the enforced secrecy.

If you know or suspect that one of your children is being sexually abused by a sibling, you need to make an intervention by contact a professional who specializes in sexual abuse prevention and recovery. If you allow the abuse and secrecy to continue, because you think, 'all children experiment sexually,' or 'it is just a phase, they will grow out of it,' you are no less responsible for the outcome of the sibling sexual abuse than the sibling aggressor. Thus, the damage is on-going rather than short lived. Furthermore, by making an intervention, you are clearly and emphatically stating the behavior is unacceptable and both children are given an opportunity to heal.

The majority of sibling sexual abuse is initiated because of a trauma the aggressor has experienced--and it is generally their own sexual abuse--albeit you may be unaware.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

What You Should Know About Domestic Abuse

What is domestic abuse?

There are many forms of domestic abuse, ranging from screaming threats to pushing and shoving. Contrary to what many women think, abuse isn't just physical battering.

Domestic abuse may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family.

Nearly one in three adult women experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood, according to the American Psychological Association in a 1996 report.

Domestic abuse does not discriminate against race, age and socioeconomic background. No specific type of woman is more prone to being battered by her partner, nor is one type of woman completely safe from abuse.

What Victims of Domestic Violence Need to Know?

The abuse is not your fault
You don't deserve to be abused
You can't change someone who is abusive
Staying in the relationship won't stop the abuse
With time the abuse always gets worse
If you stay, make a plan to keep yourself safe when the abuse happens again
You CAN Fight Back!

Signs of Domestic Abuse

Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of these categories:

Physical battering -- The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder.

Sexual abuse -- Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by or culminates in, sexual violence.

Psychological battering -- The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, and depriving her of food, money, clothes, and destroying her personal property.
Be Prepared!

If you have been assaulted, you can report it to the police.

The Criminal Code says that assault is a criminal offence. The Code describes three types of assault and sets maximum penalties (called sentences) for each type.

The three types of assault are:


Simple assault (most common assault). Examples are slapping, pushing or shoving, punching or threatening that he or she will harm you or your children.

Assault with a weapon or causing bodily harm. Examples are an assault where you are beaten with a baseball bat or an assault where you get a black eye or broken bones.

Aggravated assault is an assault where your life is endangered or you are wounded, maimed or disfigured. Examples are where the offender threatens to kill you or where your injuries from the assault leave you with a limp or scars.

Warning signs of an Abusive Relationship

Are you frightened of your partner's temper?
Are you often compliant because you are afraid to hurt your partner's feelings or are afraid of your partner's anger?
Do you have the urge to "rescue" your partner when your partner is in trouble?
Do you find yourself apologizing to others for your partner's behavior when you are treated badly?
Have you been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you by your partner when he was jealous or angry?
Do you make decisions about activities and friends according to what your partner wants or how your partner will react?
Do you drink or use drugs to dull the pain or join your partner so he won't get mad?
Do you consent easily to your partner to avoid angering him?
What are some of the warning signs?
He is extremely jealous.
Wants to know where you are at all times.
Gets upset if you spend time with friends or family.
Holds rigid expectations of male/female or adult/child role.
He expects you to meet his emotional needs.
Blames others and you for his problems.
Threatens you with violence.

There may be many other warning signs; you can phone the nearest Woman's Shelter for further information.

Do something before it's too late!

In your contact with any family member, the following observations should be considered clues to the possibility of wife assault.

A history of wife assault or child abuse in his family of origin.

A suspicion of child abuse or sexual abuse in his role as a father.

Abuse of drugs or alcohol.

A history of suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts.

Such characteristics as:

Impulsiveness
Temper tantrums
Jealousy
Possessiveness
Excessive dependence on his wife
Immaturity

What do we know about abusers?

They try to isolate victims from family and friends
They minimize and deny their behavior
They veil power and control over others
They blame victims
They distrust others
They often have been victims or witnessed abuse
They usually have low self-esteem
They are not in touch with their own feelings

Preparing to Leave

Keep evidence of abuse (i.e., pictures, police reports, etc.) in a safe place that is accessible to you
Know where you can go to get help; tell someone you trust what is happening to you
If you are injured, go to a doctor or emergency room and report what happened to you
Make sure that they record your visit
Make sure that your children know that it is their job to stay safe, not protect you
Keep a journal of all violent incidences
Start an individual savings account and have statements sent to a trusted friend
Acquire job skills
If you must sneak away, leave extra money, extra car keys, important papers, and extra set of clothes for yourself and children with a trusted friend (avoid family members and mutual friends who may be influenced by the abuser). Include a list of important numbers (insurance numbers, driver's license, medication, checkbook, credit card numbers, etc.)
Practice effective Self Defense Tricks... just in case

Getting Out

What to do when leaving an abusive relationship?

If you are contemplating leaving an abusive relationship, there are some things you should do that may assist you in the process of leaving:

Make a safety plan

Write down Contact Places in the community for support
Assess your safety and that of your children
Contact a shelter for a safe place to stay
Seek interim custody
Seek a support system from family, friends and advocates
Be prepared, it helps you in a case of emergency

Make an Escape Plan

Make sure you have important documents
Save money in secret when you can
Keep extra keys and clothes with friends
Plan out all possible escape routes - doors, first floor windows, elevators, stairwells and rehearse escape routes with your children
Arrange a safe place to go such as a friend or relative who will offer unconditional support - or a motel, hotel, or shelter
Memorize the telephone number of a domestic violence shelter or call 911
Secure transportation
Work out a signal system with a friend or other family members so that they know you are in danger
Go when he is gone
Don't tell him you are leaving
Create an excuse to slip away
Avoid arguments in areas with potential weapons such as the kitchen, garage, or in small spaces without escape routes
When leaving your home, be aware. Your spouse may try to hurt you to stop you escaping
Start to learn self defense techniques immediately!

What can you do if you have been abused?

You can, and you should talk to someone about the abuse. You can tell a family member, a friend, or your doctor. You can also talk to a support group in your community. Women's centers and legal aid offices may be able to tell you of other services which offer help.

You can get medical help - if you have been hurt you can go to your doctor or to the Emergency Department at a hospital. If your injuries are visible you can have pictures taken. They can be used in court should you decide to lay assault charges. There are special medical and police procedures for sexual assault cases. For more information, check the Sexual Assault Department and the law in your country.

You can apply for a peace bond (in the countries where this system exist)

A peace bond or 'recognizance' is a paper signed by a person (such as a spouse) promising to keep the peace and be of good behavior. The peace bond may have other conditions such as requiring the person to stay away from your home or place of work. A peace bond may last for up to one year. The judge decides how long it will last.

You have to go to court to get a peace bond. You do not have to be assaulted to apply nor do you have to lay assault charges. You do have to convince the judge that you have a reasonable fear of the offender. The offender will also be in court.

Finding a Place To Go

When an assault occurs you should attempt to protect yourself. One way you might do this is to leave the home. If you don't have a friend or family member with whom you can safely stay, and cannot afford a motel, there are shelters in your country which will accommodate you in an emergency. The RCMP or the police, if requested, will escort you out of the family home to any safe place you specify.

If there are no shelters for you in the vicinity, the Salvation Army may be able to provide temporary assistance. It might also be worthwhile to check with the local Crisis Line or Help Line which may be able to provide a list of the organizations that can help during a crisis.

National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE

1-800-799-7233

1-800-787-3224

TDD 24-hour-a-day hotline staffed by trained counselors ready to provide immediate crisis intervention assistance to those in need. Callers can be connected directly to help in their communities, including emergency services and shelters as well as receive information and referrals, counseling and assistance in reporting abuse.

This is a vital lifeline to anyone - man, woman or child - who is a survivor of domestic violence, or who suspects that someone they know may be the victim of abuse. Calls to the hotline are confidential, and callers may remain anonymous if they wish.

On Olga Timbol's web site First Home Security you can find self defense tips and tehniques for women, as well as products to help protect yourself and your loved ones.

Hate the Abuser, Not the Abused!

Abuse is the most horrible attempt at power that I have ever researched! This is why:

The shame that is felt by an abused person is so deep that it takes years to unfold, then years to put in a safe place. Some never get that far. They turn to drugs, alcohol, and even eating disorders that tear their physical being apart. Some even repeat the same actions that were done to them with, their spouses or children.

Definition of Shame: "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another." In the issue of abuse, shame is what the victim is left to deal with and live with forever.

An abused person can turn their guilt towards their abuser to free themselves of that horrible feeling, but they are still scarred by shame. They continue to suffer in a torture that is far worse than the actual abuse they have experienced. To feel powerless and unable to stop the abuse, is just the beginning of the after effects of the horrible shock that their mind has had to deal with. To know and to fear that it will occur again and again, and that they are just one step away from crying out for help, but cannot, is another part of the shame that haunts them.

Most abuse victims do not understand that it is not their physical self that has undergone the abuse. The mental abuse is what hurts so much. It's just a means to an end in the abusers mind. It's a green light, so to speak, for them to enter. The abuser will use that to feel the power that is being sought through abuse. And also to take away your power, thus leaving you powerless. By making the abused person feel powerless, their emotional well-being is tortured. That is where the abused needs to start to repair themselves, in their mind. They need to focus on their emotional wounds first and foremost. Only then can the healing process begin.

I really want to stress here that the abuser made sure that you are in a NO WIN situation and that all the aces are in their hand. There is not one thing that you could have said, thought, or done in preparation for this horrible attack. You are NOT at fault. The entire demeaning, emotional attack was way out of your hands to stop. The abuser used a very detailed plan in regards to what steps would get you at exactly the right time and with what method.

Many victims will seek out professional help. Some victims wait until they have already tried many, not so healthy, ways to escape the reality of the abuse period. Some never even get that far. They are the ones that give in to the pain and elect to erase themselves. (suicide).

A very important thing that all abused victims should HEAR me say is that your abuser has put a lot of energy and thought into their plan. Their plan was to delete you of all power and to make them "The All-Powerful". You had NO chance, even before the beginning of your abuse. Have you ever said that you would rather endure physical pain than to have the mental agony eat you apart? That is what an abused victim feels with every breathe they take.

The abuser will use any tricks to corner its prey, such as coercion, weapons, surprise attacks, and an age difference whether it be younger or much older victims. Abusers have even been reported using their power in their job title, or position as landlords. Male abusers may hold financial security over their victims head as a threat in order to keep them from leaving and seeking help outside the home (prison). Men, in general, are more capable of using violence than women. This fact alone places women as an easier target for abuse.

Victims of abuse go through many different emotions through out their existence, after the abuse, and even during. They tend to:

-Think only negative

-Think with two minds

-Be quick to assume outcomes

-They are constantly comparing themselves to others and usually putting themselves down

-They feel sorrowful for everyone around them, continue to nurture a

resentment emotion, feel the need to always be holding someone

responsible for their pain or vice-verse

-They allow low self-esteem to control them, thinking that in some way if they keep themselves down, they will be forgiven for their guilt. The same guilt that comes from the shame of their nightmare.

Shame is a very controlling emotion. It's an emotion that your mind can rid itself of. You must stop judging yourself. Hate the abuser, hate the actions, and hate the ways that you feel from the horrible experiences that you have survived. Hate that you did not kill that bad person, hate that someone else did not hear your cries for help, hate that you were the chosen victim, hate that you did not wake up and it was all a very bad dream. Hate all that and hate it hard.

Now, separate that hate from the hate that you feel for yourself. Scream at the hate that you feel inside. It is that hate that is keeping you weak. With that weakness, shame, guilt, self doubt, and self-hate are being allowed to toy with your mind which is totally abusing your life now. Can you see what has happened now? You, in fact have become the abuser to you. The one thing that you hate so much is in you now. As quickly as you can say "STOP", do it. Stop abusing you. Stop allowing the past abuse to rule your life. Laugh at it, kick at it, spit at it, call it the worst names you can think of. PLEASE, PLEASE , JUST STOP HURTING YOU. Love you, hug you, know that you are SPECIAL, and that you are not the abuser. You were the victim, the innocent person in a NO WIN situation. You can do it. Have faith in you. It's time to change the chapter in your book and write a much sunnier, happier chapter. You are the author of your book of life. You can change the page. It is in your hands to do.

Build your self-esteem so that you can stomp out your fears, anxieties, and anger. I will look forward to reading your new book. Please feel free to share with me your story, so I can appreciate your book of life. There are also others that may gain strength through your book. Abuse is not acceptable, nor is it human. Please stop the abuse!!!

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"Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of

bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you

love and think loves you in return. It is estimated that approximately

3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year in the

United States."

-Dianne Feinstein

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"Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."

-Herbert Ward

Dorothy Lafrinere

Owner/Operater

Website- http://www.womensselfesteem.com

Weblog- [http://www.justblogme.com/Dorothy]

Forum- http://womenselfesteem.proboards29.com

email- dorothy@womensselfesteem.com

When the Abused Becomes the Abuser

It doesn't always happen. But it happens to a large enough degree that it can be referred to as commonplace. Many young people who abuse others sexually, have been sexually abused themselves. And a significant percentage of adults who have been sexually abused as children have developed coping and/or relational styles that are abusive - if not to others, then certainly to themselves. It doesn't sound shocking to say that someone who was abused as a child may become self destructive as an adult. But how far off is that from abusing others? The point here is that children who were abused are taught to abuse as a way of communicating and connecting. And many times their primary role models, their parents or other family members, are the ones who taught them this.

Why would anyone repeat behavior that has hurt him or her so profoundly? Almost no one consciously sets out to become abusive. The behavior is handed down over the generations because it is learned behavior. The behavior feels familiar and it feels like home. It is instinctive; furthermore, the abuser may not know any other way to behave. Adults who have been abused as children by their loved ones mix up love and abuse. It is both a natural (for them) way to communicate and a release of anxiety - the anxiety surrounding the original abuse. It is a way to turn the tables and finally have a sense of power or control in their intimate relationships. Many times, they are able to cover up their behavior from the outside world and only exhibit abusive tendencies with those closest to them. That's either the way it was with their original abuser or it is a way to carry on the secret that they have lived with their entire life.

Abused children grow up with low self-esteem. Many feel inadequate. They wonder if they deserved to be abused. Oftentimes, their abuser convinced them that they deserved the abuse at the same time that they told them they loved them. Deep down abuse survivors don't believe that they deserve a healthy, loving relationship - if they even know what that looks like.

At the same time, they carry a lot of anger about what happened to them. The world is not a fair place. Their defense systems, while initially traumatized, have now become over-reactive. They are in a constant state of "fight - or - flight". Their automatic defense systems are driving them to attack before getting attacked. By becoming the abuser, they can now play the powerful role in this relationship. And maybe they even believe that by doing so they can make it right this time and thereby heal themselves.

Finally, if love is tied into abuse by early experience, then the abuse survivor might even feel more alive when they are abusing themselves or others. They may be sexually aroused by abusive behavior - especially if their young bodies responded sexually to their abusers. Physically abusive behavior and sexually abusive behavior become intertwined.

Childhood emotional abuse is also carried into adult abusive behavior. As is usually the case with this type of abuse, it is more complex, more difficult to identify and more varied in the resultant behavior. And there are less studies and statistics. But there are some common signs of an emotional abuser:

1. Verbally abusive and demeaning behavior

2. Constantly criticizing and demanding

3. Emotionally withholding and undermining

4. Using negative labels and pathologizing other peoples' behavior.

5. Showing little or no compassion and minimizing others feelings while describing themselves as the victims.

6. Discounting the reality of the other or "Gaslighting" - making others feel as if they are crazy.

Childhood emotional abuse victims become adult abusers for the same reasons that those who were sexually or physically abused become adult abusers. But they have even lower self-esteem (see my article on Emotional Abuse) and may try and cover it up by verbally attacking others before they themselves are exposed as "worthless individuals".

So how do we help someone break the cycle of abuse?

Abusers have to first become aware of what they are doing. And then they have to want to change. As anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows, this is an extremely difficult task. Abusers are well defended in their behavior. They honestly believe that they are the victims not the villains - and at one point, as children, they were, so they are partially correct. Their sense of reality has been skewed all of their life and changing would involve psychologically reorganizing a life-long pattern of socialization. Never engage abusers, this is what they want and need. All that one can do is calmly point out the hurtful behavior that he/she is experiencing and silently walk away. If the truth is recognizable enough, the abuser may then try and understand their role in what went wrong.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT

2011

West Los Angeles based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, severe depression and relationship issues. http://www.roniweisbergross.com

The Cost of Child Abuse

The U.S. Department of Health and Human services estimated 906,000 children were victims of child abuse or neglect in 2003. While physical injuries may or may not be immediately visible, abuse and neglect can have consequences for children, families, and society that last lifetimes, if not generations.

The after affects of child abuse and neglect is discussed in terms of physical, psychological, behavioral, mental, behavioral, spiritual and societal consequences. In reality, however, it is impossible to separate them completely. Physical consequences (such as damage to a child's growing brain) can have psychological implications (cognitive delays or emotional difficulties). Psychological problems often manifest as high-risk behaviors. Depression and anxiety compel a person more likely to smoke, abuse alcohol, use illegal or prescription drugs and/or eating disorders. High-risk behaviors, can lead to long-term physical health problems such as sexually transmitted diseases, cancer-vaginal, ovarian or breast in women; prostate, testicular in men, MS, chronic fatigue, lupus, etc.

Physical or sexual abuse can weaken survivors' immune systems according to Dr. Frank Putnam of the National Institute of Mental Health and Dr. Martin Teicher of Harvard Medical School. Putnam conducted studies on 170 girls, age 6-15-half had been abused, half had not-for seven years. The abused girls displayed symptoms such as:

o Abnormal high stress hormones, which can kill neurons in brain areas crucial for thinking and memory

o High levels of an antibody that weaken the immune system.

Teicher completed a series of brain studies on 402 children and adults, many of whom had been sexually or physically abuse. His findings revealed that sexual or physical abuse creates:

o Arrested growth of the left hemisphere of the brain which can hamper development of language and logic

o Growth of the right hemisphere of the brain (the site for emotion) at an abnormally early age

Physical Health after effects:

The immediate physical effects of abuse or neglect can be relatively minor (bruises or cuts) or severe (broken bones, hemorrhage, or even death). In some cases the physical effects are temporary; however, the pain and suffering they cause a child needs to be addressed. Meanwhile, the long-term impact of child abuse and neglect on physical health is just beginning to be explored.

Below are some outcomes researchers have identified:

o Shaken baby syndrome. The immediate effects of shaking a baby (child abuse in infants) can include vomiting, concussion, respiratory distress, seizures, and death. Long-term consequences can include blindness, learning disabilities, mental retardation, cerebral palsy, or paralysis (Conway, 1998).

o Impaired brain development. Child abuse and neglect have been shown, in some cases, to cause important regions of the brain to fail to form properly, resulting in impaired physical, mental, and emotional development (Perry, 2002; Shore, 1997). In other cases, the stress of chronic abuse causes a "hyperarousal" response by certain areas of the brain, which may result in hyperactivity, sleep disturbances, and anxiety, as well as increased vulnerability to post-traumatic stress disorder, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, conduct disorder, and learning and memory difficulties (Perry, 2001; Dallam, 2001).

o Poor physical health. A study of 700 children who had been in foster care for 1 year found more than one-quarter of the children had some kind of recurring physical or mental health problem (National Survey of Child and Adolescent Well-Being). A study of 9,500 HMO participants showed a relationship between various forms of household dysfunction (including childhood abuse) and long-term health problems such as sexually transmitted diseases, heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, skeletal fractures, and liver disease (Hillis, Anda, Felitti, Nordenberg, & Marchbanks, 2000; Felitti, Anda, Nordenberg, Williamson, Spitz, Edwards, Koss, & Marks, 1998).

Psychological after effects:

The immediate emotional effects of abuse and neglect-isolation, fear, and an inability to trust-can translate into lifelong consequences including low self-esteem, depression, and relationship difficulties. Researchers have identified links between child abuse and neglect and the following:

o Poor mental and emotional health. In one long-term study, 80 percent of young adults who had been abused met the diagnostic criteria for at least one psychiatric disorder at age 21. These young adults exhibited many problems, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and suicide attempts (Silverman, Reinherz, & Giaconia, 1996). Other psychological and emotional conditions associated with abuse and neglect include: panic disorder, dissociative disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and reactive attachment disorder (Teicher, 2000).

o Cognitive difficulties. The National Survey of Child and Adolescent Well-Being recently found children placed in out-of-home care due to abuse or neglect tended to score lower than the general population on measures of cognitive capacity, language development, and academic achievement (2003).

o Social difficulties. Children who are abused and neglected by caretakers often do not form secure attachments to them. These early attachment difficulties can lead to later difficulties in relationships with other adults as well as with peers (Morrison, Frank, Holland, & Kates, 1999).

Behavioral after effects:

Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences; however, child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:

o Difficulties during adolescence. Studies have found abused and neglected children to be at least 25 percent more likely to experience problems such as delinquency, teen pregnancy, low academic achievement, drug use, and mental health problems (Kelley et al., 1997).

o Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. A National Institute of Justice study indicated being abused or neglected as a child increased the likelihood of arrest as a juvenile by 59 percent. Abuse and neglect increased the likelihood of adult criminal behavior by 28 percent and violent crime by 30 percent (Widom & Maxfield, 2001).

o Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that abused and neglected children will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, as many as two-thirds of people in drug treatment programs reported being abused as children (2000).

o Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. It is estimated approximately one-third of abused and neglected children will eventually victimize their own children (Prevent Child Abuse New York, 2001).

Societal after effects:

While child abuse and neglect usually occurs within the family, the impact does not end there. Society as a whole pays a price for child abuse and neglect, in terms of both direct and indirect costs.

o Direct costs. Direct costs include those associated with maintaining a child welfare system to investigate allegations of child abuse and neglect, as well as expenditures by the judicial, law enforcement, health, and mental health systems to respond to and treat abused children and their families. A 2001 Prevent Child Abuse America report estimates these costs are $24 billion annually.

o Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences of child abuse and neglect. These include juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental and emotional dysfunction, substance abuse, and domestic violence; loss of productivity due to unemployment and underemployment; the cost of special education services, and increased use of the health care system. Prevent Child Abuse America recently estimated these costs are more than $69 billion per year (2001).

Summary

Of the research that has been done about the after effects of child abuse and neglect, the effects vary depending on the circumstances of the abuse or neglect, personal characteristics of the child, and the child's environment. Consequences whether mild or severe lasts a lifetime, unless there is emotional and spiritual healing. Ultimately, due to related costs to public entities such as the health care, human services, and educational systems, abuse and neglect impact not just the child and family, but society as a whole. Total estimated Direct and Indirect cost to society for child abuse--verbal, physical/ sexual and neglect is $103 billion annually.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention. Dr. Neddermeyer is noted for her pioneering work in verbal, physical, sexual abuse prevention and recovery. http://www.drdorothy.net [http://www.gen-assist.com/store.html]

Top 10 Signs of An Abusive Man

Abusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.

Abusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren't good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won't leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, "actions speak louder than words." Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.

According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine's Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness - Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you've been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control - He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority - He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be "right" by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates - Tells you you're crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it's your fault he is abusive. Says he can't help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to "help" him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings - His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don't match words - He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you - An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the "silent game" as punishment when he doesn't get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help - An abusive man doesn't think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women - Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself - Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns. Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser's partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous.

If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won't be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help. Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don't go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Infidelty Expert and Online Dating Expert, Stephany Alexander, is the CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World's Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a B.A., in Communications and a B.A. in Language. She is the author of the book "Sex, Lies and the Internet."